How to Raise A Thinker and Not A Marlian

So, my least favorite part of being a parenting coach is responding to ‘trending issues’. Many times, after the dust settles you will hear new perspectives and as a result, your original standpoint may be challenged. However, I love principles. Principles, regardless of how stiff-necked they may be, are always loaded with timeless lessons. There is a rave about a musician, whose fans are called Marlians. They have some of the most irresponsible value codes.

The question is why human beings even consider such an outlaw attractive.

1. The teens who follow him agree with his value system. If your teen is a Marlian, your teen agrees with him that it is okay to drop out of school, not use belts, not wear pants on certain days, etc. Where did all this start from? The short answer is HOME. Whether from parents modeling questionable behaviors, or being ‘instruction type parents’. Instruction type parents do not give their children permission to ask why. They do not expect dialogue, questions and make no time for conversations. If you do not know what your child believes about certain things, then there is no way in the world that you can shape their behavior.

So what should you do now?

Regardless of your children’s age, when giving instructions or passing on information. Look at their eyes and brows, observe to see if they understand. Ask them to repeat the instruction, if there is a drag or misuse of words, clarify. Then ALWAYS ask, if there is anything they are not clear about or that they think differently about. Ask for their thoughts. That is where you learn where they have the wrong set of beliefs.

When you say that you do not want them listening to particular music, explain why. If you don’t have a solid reason, go on Google and YouTube. You will find different perspectives on the issue. When you come home, you will be having an informed conversation and not an emotional one. If after everything, your child is adamant about their position, talk to them about trusting you. Be patient, give it some time. Ask them to come back to you at any time they feel strongly about any aspects of the conversation.

Meanwhile, the above applies to instruction type parents.

The other parents who are culpable are parents who follow trends. You do, say, buy everything that is trendy. What you do not realize is that you unconsciously model the following trends. Be a trendsetter. Let your children see that you are never caught up by the wind of trends.

2. Adolescents all over the world are at a point where they crave validation. Peer validation is so important to them. They are looking for a sense of belonging by all means. While the above paragraph is true, there are things parents can do to help them build a strong personal identity for themselves. Marlians are looking for a sense of identity and belonging regardless of what this will end up as.

Parents must affirm their children from when they are young. By the time they are teens, let them know that they are valued and they are loved.

• Buying gifts but not spending time is interpreted as ‘no love’ to children.

• Saying ‘I love you’ but not spending time is interpreted as ‘no love’ to children and teens.

• ‘I am always busy at work or doing chores at home’ means I am not valued.

When your children begin to feel that you are so stressed out or need space, you are losing them. They do not want to bother you and so they look for ‘other people’ who appear to give them attention. Some of us see more of our children’s mistakes. We do not see their efforts. We do not praise them nearly sufficient. We exaggerate their misbehavior, have a penchant for comparing them with others and we push them away in the process. In the end, they do not even see the need to try to do the right thing or even attempt to please us.

3. Every day, our children make more decisions in our absence than in our presence. Life allows them a number of years to practice and master how to make decisions before they get the opportunity to do so independently. Unfortunately, not many parents seize the opportunity to help their children grow an independent mind. Many parents fear that children may become opinionated or argumentative. Some even feel slighted when their children have a different view.

However, here is what I really think. If your child is a yes-man, you should be worried about how many people they will say yes to, since practice makes perfect. You can teach your children how to share their views without being disrespectful. Simultaneously, you can train yourself not to feel disrespected when your child does not agree. As a parent, as it ever occurred to you that you could be wrong? Do you know that your child could be more informed than you in a particular area? Do you know that you can have the wrong impression of certain things?

Let me share a real-life story that happened to me as a teenager. A particular young woman who was super close to my family and loved by my family once came and told my mum that her friend’s father had passed on and she was traveling to their village, with her to go give her some peer support. She, however, told my mum, that she would love for me to go with them.

She told my sweet mum and momma said yes. When mummy came to ask me when we were leaving, I just looked at her and said the travel was a ‘runs’ and that I could not do that. My mum broke down in tears. She apologized. But the good thing was I could think for myself. How do you raise children who can think for themselves?

How do you raise independent thinkers and not Marlians or whatever is coming next?

• If you have a child asking why you have a gift. Share, reason, talk with them. If you start early, they will cultivate the habit of brainstorming with you.
• Explain and explain. Early on between ages 0 and 5, you need to give instructions along with purpose. Why we are doing this must be communicated. For instance, move away from the TV because it xxxxx, don’t chew with your mouth open because it xxxxx
• However, stay away from using what people will say as to why. For example, do not say, chew with your mouth closed so that people do not say you are a bush girl. That means you introduce the element of ‘what people say’. What people will say is one of the biggest enemies of independent thinking.

Let me share a funny story.

A few days ago, number 2 was having a bad hair day and mummy was having a lazy mum day. Natural hair, interesting to comb, etc. so I asked her to wear a wool cap, to cover her hair as we were going out so that she looked neat. As I was speaking to her, her sister now wanted to throw in why, she said, so that people do not laugh at her. As soon as she said it she said actually if people laugh at you that means you stand out.

I laughed hard because they know that you do what is right because it is right and never because of what people say.

4. Let them practice decision-making so that they learn what forms the basis for decision-making. Let them choose what they will wear for some event but let it be well thought through process. We have our matrix for choosing clothes. Is it clean? Would it serve the weather where we are going? What event is it? I very rarely choose clothes for girls. Even if they make the wrong choice, I do not go and choose. I tell them what is wrong with the choice so that they make another set of choices.

5. Let your children do chores. Let them pick up after themselves. There is so much to learn in doing chores. From organizing, planning, sorting, sequencing all of this develop their independent thinking muscles.

Let me stop here for now.

That is the end of my ‘MARLIAN’ news.

I hope you took home some next steps with you.

I hope you will make changes.

I am always here to work with you as you raise your champions; yes, responsible, disciplined, independent thinkers.

Copyright (c) Irene Bangwell 2020

About the Author:

Irene Bangwell is the host of the Parenting Champions Community on Facebook, where parents learn how to nurture their children into the best version of their lives. bit.ly/33UNasL

She is a four-time parenting book author with titles including Raising Kids Who Are Influence Proof and 12 Things Every Parent Should Know. In 2019, along with her husband Kingsley Bangwell she co-founded the KNOSK N109-a-day Secondary School Kuje.