One would assume that raising a toddler, breastfeeding, changing diapers, and waking up to midnight cries would be the height of parenting. But coming to the phase where you have teenagers in your home that alone can drive you bonkers. As a parent, you are constantly reminded of how outdated you are and how you are not in vogue with the trending things like music, fashion, and social media rave. This alone can cause a rift between you and your teen.
While you are doing what you’ve always been doing as their parent, you are then faced with the reality that you are longer dealing with babies, but young adults – as teenagers like to be called. The teen phase is notorious, and not without reason. It can be a turbulent time for both you and your young adult, and your relationship may be continually tested.
There are some parenting practices that can worsen the situation. But becoming accustomed to these problems can give you and your teen a better chance of surviving these phases unscathed.
1. Always Being in Control
It is understandable why parents are oftentimes afraid of letting go. As a result, we tend to “clamp down” and display more control over our kids. This is where a lot of struggle for power exhumes from. Once kids reach that teenage phase, they feel the need to be more responsible for themselves and enjoy more privileges.
Rather than being too hard on them, respect your child’s need for independence and let go more and more as he grows older. Look for opportunities to give him more responsibility and let him practice his decision-making skills. You could encourage your child to decide on any of the following: after-school activities he’d like to participate in or which house chores he’d like to help with daily. When we empower our kids with age-appropriate choices, we give them a strong sense of confidence.
Make sure he knows the kind of behavior you expect from him, as well as what will happen if he decides to test your limits. With a little more control over his life, your teen will thrive–and you’ll love seeing his confidence and independence grow.
2. Accepting a Break in Connection
Your teen might display the attitude of not wanting to have anything to do with you. The truth is they put up this attitude because they feel you are not in vogue with what they know. As that might be true, it does not remove the fact that they still need your guidance. While we allow them more independence, you must ensure that your presence and availability are known, even if it feels like your kids are pushing you away.
Their lash backs may be unbearable, or their attitude hurtful, but it’s best not to completely retreat. If you see any openings in connection, seize them. Technology can actually be a great avenue for bonding with your kids. If you notice technology taking the place of one-on-one quality time with your kids, start limiting usage to maintain that connection.
Limiting their screen time might even make them hate you more, but it is a small price to pay. Just 10-15 minutes of undivided time between you and your child each day will do wonders for your connection with one other. Make sure you’re doing something that your child wants to do to ensure participation.
3. Nagging
Have you sat down to wonder, why do I have to nag at their kids? Because if you don’t, nothing gets done. As annoying as that is, this is what most families face. It is just funny that our good intentions lead to us receiving eye rolls and doors slammed on us. The reason why this occurs is that your priorities as the parents are different from that of your teen.
Your priorities might include cleaning the house or doing the dishes, your teens’ might be about his assignment or coming exams. While it’s our job to teach our kids responsibility, if we try to do this by nagging and directing, we won’t get very far. In fact, we’ll have more power struggles than we ever bargained for.
Ensure your requests are reasonable and phrased in a calm voice. Also, be sure to show appreciation when your teen helps out–even if it’s for an “expected” job. Everyone wants to know they make a difference, and showing gratitude will go a long way in fostering a team spirit in your family. If we want our kids to respect us, we need to respect them.
4. Making Everything about YOU
You may be heartbroken that your kids don’t want to do the usual with you anymore. When our teens are distant towards us, short-tempered, uncommunicative, and just different than they were before, we tend to take it personally. Remember kids are prioritizing their friends during this time of their lives. They’re also just struggling with growing up. It’s hard, stressful–and hormonal–and all of this can manifest in negative attitudes and behaviors. It may feel personal, and it can really hurt your feelings, but it’s not about you.
A better tactic is to try to see things from their perspective. You can also rest assured that they still need your love and support–it just may be harder for them to show it. By remembering that it’s not about us, we can adapt our feelings, expectations, and strategies to focus on our kids and what they need.
And trust me, one day they’ll thank you for it.
5. Expecting the Worst
There is this negative narrative that goes around, once you see a teenager, he/she must be dealing with either of these bad things – drugs, alcohol, and sex. So many parents now believe that they must transform their teenage children to be good. While they try to force what is not there out, it creates an unhappy atmosphere whenever you are with them.
It is seen as a self-fulfilling prophecy that negative expectations can come to life. This means that the behavior you’ve always dreaded might eventually become manifested in your kids. Learn to know what your kids are interested in, even if you are perfect with it, and use that as a channel to connect with them and learn something new.
